In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that US military personnel have been conducting clandestine oil heists in international waters. The brazen thievery has been condemned by the Iranian parliament, which is now calling for the world to join them in their outrage.
"We're not sure how they get away with it," said a spokesperson for the Iranian government, "but somehow our friends in Washington have figured out that 'maritime piracy' is just code for 'taking what we want when we want it.'"
The US military's operations in the Caribbean have been described as a "textbook example" of piracy, with officials noting that the only thing missing from the playbook was a trusty parrot sidekick.
"I mean, who needs the freedom to navigate international waters when you can just seize ships at gunpoint and steal their oil?" said Iranian parliament member Mojtaba Bakhshipour. "It's like they're trying to make a mockery of the entire concept of maritime law."
The situation has reached such a boiling point that Venezuelan Foreign Minister Ivan Gil is now offering Iranian lawmakers free salsa classes as a token of appreciation for their support.
"It's not just about the oil," said Gil, "it's about principle. We can't let these pirate cowboys run amok in our backyard."
In related news, the US military has announced plans to replace its current aircraft carriers with giant, robotic oil tankers that will be able to refuel themselves while on patrol.
"It's a game-changer," said a Pentagon spokesperson. "We'll no longer have to worry about running out of fuel or having to make awkward small talk with the crew of another ship."
The Iranian parliament has vowed to continue its efforts to shame the US into behaving itself, and has even offered to send a team of expert sailors to the region to help the US military learn how to properly navigate international waters.
"We're willing to work with anyone who wants to learn," said Bakhshipour. "But if they keep stealing our oil, we'll have no choice but to take drastic measures – like sending in our secret underwater oil-gathering robot squad."