The US Commerce Department has taken drastic measures to protect national security: it's forced Anthropic, a cutting-edge AI company, to lay off its entire foreign-born staff. Because what could possibly go wrong with that?
In a bizarre move, the government decreed that all foreign nationals working at Anthropic must be shown the door immediately. And not just any door – but a door that also deletes their access to Google Drive, Slack, and any other online services they might have used while working for the company.
"We're not saying it's xenophobic or anything," said a senior administration official, who wished to remain anonymous because, you know, national security. "We just want to make sure our country is protected from all those sneaky foreign nationals trying to steal our secrets... and also our coffee."
The move has left Anthropic in a bit of a pickle. The company had been relying on its talented foreign-born employees – including co-founder Chris Olah, who was born in Hungary (gasp!) – to develop some of the world's most advanced AI models.
"Now we'll have to rely on our domestic workforce," said an Anthropic spokesperson, who seemed utterly bewildered by the situation. "Which is great, because nothing says 'national security' like a bunch of Americans struggling to understand how AI works."
The government has also instructed Anthropic to lock down its entire model library, which includes Fable 5 and Mythos 5 – two of the most powerful AI systems in existence. And not just for foreign nationals, either: the company's entire workforce will now have to apply for individually validated licenses before they can even look at these models.
"It's like a big game of Risk," said Dr. Peter Girnus, a senior threat researcher at the Zero Day Initiative. "Except instead of rolling dice, we're rolling out export controls and national-security clearances. And instead of invading each other's territories, we're just trying to figure out who gets access to what."
The move has sparked outrage among AI experts, who point out that Anthropic had been working closely with the government on various projects – including a voluntary pre-deployment testing program.
"It's like they're saying, 'Hey, we trust you guys to develop this super-powerful AI stuff, but only if you fire all your foreign-born employees and delete their access to Google Drive,'" said Dr. Girnus. "It's a bit of a Catch-22, isn't it?"
The situation is further complicated by the fact that Anthropic's IPO is just around the corner – and this latest development might just sink the entire thing.
"Looks like someone forgot to read the fine print on their 'America First' policy," quipped David Sacks, the administration's former AI and crypto czar. "Now they're stuck with a company that's been forced to lay off its best talent... and also its worst coffee brewer."