In a shocking turn of events, the US and China have reached a "basic consensus" on trade, because who needs tariffs when you can just divide the rare earths like they're cake at a kindergarten party? The White House announced that Cambodia and Malaysia will now open their markets to US investment in critical minerals, which is code for "we're going to pillage your natural resources because reasons."
According to sources close to the deal, Cambodia has agreed to give away its energy, power, telecom, transportation, and infrastructure sectors to the US, because who needs sovereignty when you can have a decent 4G signal? Malaysia, on the other hand, will simply adjust tariffs and non-tariff barriers to boost industry, technology, and services cooperation, aka "we'll just pretend like we're not stealing all your money."
The agreement is touted as a major win for the US trade deficit with Malaysia, which is code for "we were getting ripped off so badly that it was basically a national embarrassment." And don't even get me started on China's 90% control of global rare earth output - it's like they're trying to hoard all the world's essential minerals and use them to build an army of robot overlords.
But fear not, because President Trump has vowed to make America "abundant" in critical minerals within a year's time. We're talking biblical abundance here, folks - so many rare earths that we'll have enough to give each American their own personal magnet, plus some extra for the inevitable robot uprising.
And as US Trade Representative Jamieson Greer so eloquently put it: "We live in a world where having these critical minerals is important... and stuff." Yeah, because nothing says "diplomacy" like using an entire sentence to avoid actually making a point.