President Trump has announced plans to cut food stamps, because who needs food when you've got America First, am I right? The policy will hit red states hardest, because what's a little starvation and poverty when it comes to loyalty to the Orange Menace?
According to Mathematica, a group of highly-paid experts in poverty analysis (because that's a thing now), one in every twelve people who receives food stamps nationwide will lose them under the new rules. That's roughly 3.6 million people who won't be able to afford dinner, let alone lunch.
But don't worry, these families will just have to get creative with their meals. Maybe they'll start foraging for berries in the woods, or learning to hunt small game like raccoons and opossums. It's not like they need actual food stamps to buy real food at the grocery store or anything.
In fact, USDA Secretary Sonny Perdue is so confident that people will just magically figure out how to eat without assistance that he's already started planning his victory party for when the policy takes effect. "We're not just cutting food stamps," he said in a statement. "We're cutting the fat, the waste, and the laziness of those who can't even afford to buy their own groceries."
And it's not like this will have any negative economic impacts or anything. The administration estimates that the policy will save $10 billion over the next five years, which is roughly the cost of a few hundred thousand people going hungry every day.
But hey, at least we'll all be united in our suffering. And who knows, maybe Trump's snap decision (get it?) will even lead to a new reality TV show: "Survival of the Fittest" where contestants have to fend for themselves in the woods with nothing but their wits and a can of beans.
So go ahead, rednecks, get out there and starve for your country. It's what Trump wants, and what America needs (or so he says).