In a shocking turn of events, President Trump has declared that thinking is now optional and has ordered all Americans to stop using their brains. As part of his bold new initiative to remake America in his image, Trump has signed an executive order mandating the complete cessation of critical thought, effective immediately.
"We've had enough of this 'thinking for oneself' business," Trump said in a statement. "From now on, we're going with my gut – and if that's not good enough, then you're fired."
According to sources within the White House, the order is part of a larger plan to replace all forms of independent thought with a national mantra: "Make America Great Again (or at least, Make Me Look Good)."
"This is just the beginning," said Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway. "We're going to make sure that every American knows exactly what to think – and when to stop thinking altogether."
As part of the new initiative, all books with more than 20 pages will be banned from public libraries, and any movie or TV show that doesn't star a certain reality TV personality will be forced off the air.
But don't just take our word for it. Here are some quotes from real people who have seen the effects of Trump's new thinking ban firsthand:
"I was trying to solve a math problem on my homework, but suddenly I couldn't remember how to add two numbers together," said local student Emily Johnson. "It was like my brain just... stopped working."
"I was in the middle of writing a report on climate change when my teacher told me that it's all just 'fake news'," said high school student David Kim. "Now I'm not sure what to think about anything anymore."
And in related news, sales of participation trophies have skyrocketed as people everywhere scramble to learn how to do exactly what they're told.
When asked for comment on the situation, Trump simply shrugged and said, "What's wrong with that?"