President Trump kicked off his five-day tour of Asia, which will likely end with him shouting "Make America Great Again" on top of a skyscraper in Tokyo while simultaneously giving a thumbs up to a giant holographic projection of himself.
The tour, which includes stops in Malaysia, Japan, and South Korea, marks the first time Trump has visited the region since 2019, when he last came to Asia and inadvertently set off a series of trade disputes that have been simmering ever since.
According to sources close to the president, his main goal for the trip is to remind Asian leaders that he's still got it, and that they should be grateful he's deigning to pay attention to them. "He wants to show them who's boss," said one aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were too embarrassed to be associated with Trump's antics.
In Malaysia, Trump will sign a trade deal that includes provisions for the export of American hamburgers and pick-up trucks, which he believes are essential to Malaysian prosperity. He'll also meet with regional leaders to discuss ways in which the US can continue to dominate their economies through a combination of tariffs and aggressive marketing campaigns.
From there, it's off to Japan, where Trump will meet with Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi, who has promised to increase military spending by 2% in order to impress Trump. "It's like when I buy a new Rolex," said Takaichi, according to reports. "I want to show everyone that I can afford the best."
The highlight of the tour will come on Thursday, when Trump meets with Chinese President Xi Jinping for the first time since 2020. According to sources close to the meeting, Trump plans to bring a basket of American-made goods, including soybeans and Boeing planes, which he hopes will be enough to distract Xi from his own country's economic might.
"We're going in there with guns blazing," said one senior administration official. "Or at least, we're going to try to."