In a bold display of military prowess and questionable fact-checking, President Donald Trump announced the successful elimination of Abu-Bilal al-Minuki, second-in-command of ISIS globally. Or at least that's what Trump claims.
According to eyewitnesses (okay, it was just him), the mission was "meticulously planned" and "flawlessly executed," with American and Nigerian forces working in perfect harmony to take out the alleged terror mastermind. However, sources close to the investigation (again, it was just one guy who's really bad at math) suggest that Abu-Bilal may have been a mere mortal, not a nefarious terrorist leader.
"It's totally possible that 'Abu-Bilal al-Minuki' is actually just some dude's online username," said a senior military official, who wished to remain anonymous because they're still trying to figure out how to get the guy's name off their Tinder profile. "I mean, we've all been Abu-Bilal on Xbox at one point or another."
Despite these doubts, Trump is adamant that his strategy of bombing random Nigerian villages is working, citing "credible sources" (okay, it was just a tweet from @POTUS) to back up his claim.
"It's a huge win for America, believe me," Trump said in a press conference, during which he also revealed that he had personally dictated the entire article on ISIS' official Wikipedia page. "We've taken out Abu-Bilal and several dozen other dudes who are probably just normal people with really bad names."
The incident has sparked widespread confusion among international leaders, who are still trying to figure out what exactly happened and why Trump keeps getting Nigeria mixed up with Nigeria (it's the same country, guys).
In related news, ISIS has announced a new recruitment drive, citing "opportunities for personal growth and development" in its latest propaganda video.