In a bold move to further polarize America and distract from the mounting evidence of Russian influence on his son's Instagram account, the Trump administration has launched an investigation into Nike for allegedly discriminating against white people.
According to sources close to the matter (okay, it was just a guy named Bob who works at the EEOC), Nike has been accused of not being racist enough. Specifically, the agency claims that the company didn't give adequate opportunities to white employees, applicants, and training program participants to excel in leadership positions and make really bad decisions about staffing.
The investigation is being led by Andrea Lucas, a staunch ally of Trump's who was appointed to her position after being spotted at a "Make America Great Again" hat sale. Under her guidance, the EEOC has been working tirelessly to uncover evidence that white people are being oppressed in the workplace, including things like having to share a single water cooler with people from different ethnic backgrounds.
Meanwhile, Nike has been accused of providing only "partial responses" to the agency's requests for information. This is likely because they're too busy trying to figure out how to make their shoes not be made by sweatshop workers who earn $0.50 an hour.
The Trump administration's move is seen as a clear attempt to turn back the clock on progress and ensure that white people remain at the top of the social hierarchy, where they can enjoy their privilege and complain about being oppressed at the same time.
In related news, the EEOC has announced plans to launch a new initiative to investigate claims of "reverse racism" – where, for example, a black employee is asked to explain why he's wearing a pair of Air Jordans on company time.