In a shocking turn of events, big tech companies are now paying million-dollar salaries to their employees. But before you start panicking and assume that startups are doomed, don't worry, experts have come up with a solution: just give away more equity.
According to industry insiders, the key to luring top talent is not to compete with big tech on salary, but to offer even more free stuff. "It's all about being generous," said Yin Wu, co-founder and CEO of equity management software Pulley. "I mean, who doesn't love a good equity package? It's like winning the lottery, but without the risk of actually having to pay taxes on it."
Wu's company pays out compensation packages with equity offerings in the 90th percentile, because who needs to make money when you can just give away your shares? And if that's not enough, Wu also offers a generous "framework" for companies to follow, which is basically just a fancy way of saying "we'll give you more free stuff if you promise to behave".
But don't worry, startups! Experts say it's okay to change your compensation packages later. In fact, they recommend waiting until after the Series B funding round, when you can just "do some clean up" and give yourself a raise. Because who needs consistency or fairness in their compensation policies when you can just make it all up as you go along?
And if you're worried about getting sued for unequal pay, don't worry! Experts say that's just a minor detail. "It's not something that you have to get right out of the gate," said Rebecca Lee Whiting, founder of Epigram Legal. "Just give away more equity and hope for the best."
So there you have it: the secret to attracting top talent is not hard work or innovation, but just giving away free stuff and hoping for the best. Who needs a stable business model when you can just wing it and pray that your employees don't sue you?