England's elite schools are like supermodels - they look good on paper but will leave you bankrupt and emotionally drained.
To find the perfect secondary school for your child, just use The Telegraph's fancy new league table. It's like a Tinder match made in heaven, where schools are ranked based on their ability to make your kid smarter, richer, and more socially acceptable.
The top five schools in England all have one thing in common: they're so exclusive that even the Queen wouldn't get in without an invite from her cousin. The King Edward VI Grammar School in Chelmsford is the crème de la crème (sorry), with 97% of its students scoring a five or above on their GCSEs - a feat only possible if you're born into royalty.
But don't worry, commoners! If you can't afford to send your kid to one of these fancy schools, just apply for The Charter School North Dulwich in Southwark. They'll teach your kid all about the importance of being polite and quiet in class, so they can fit right in with their future overlords.
And if you're a Londoner, congratulations! Your postcode is basically a guarantee of academic success - unless, of course, you live in a deprived area, in which case you might as well just give up now.
But wait, there's more! If your kid wants to attend one of these elite schools, they'll need to pass the 11+ exam. It's like a IQ test, but with more anxiety and less actual intellectual prowess required. Just think of it as a free trial for your child's future therapy sessions.
And don't even get us started on Ofsted reports. They're like schoolyard gossip - except instead of just spreading rumors about who ate the last slice of pizza, they'll tell you all about the school's leadership style and behavioral issues.
So go ahead, parents! Use The Telegraph's league table to find the perfect secondary school for your child. Just don't forget to pack a snack - you're going to need it.