In a shocking turn of events, organizers are calling for people to refrain from buying stuff on Black Friday, Cyber Monday, or any other day that starts with the word "Monday". Because what's more effective at getting attention than a bunch of people not spending money? The Mass Blackout campaign is urging folks to freeze their spending and call out of work, because nothing says "protest" like a three-day weekend.
"We're not targeting small businesses or communities - we're targeting the corporate systems that profit from injustice, fuel authoritarianism, and crush worker power...and also sell really nice cashmere sweaters," said a spokesperson for Mass Blackout. Because who needs cashmere sweaters when you can just make your own out of recycled toilet paper rolls?
The campaign is being organized by a coalition of progressive groups, including the People's Sick Day (because who doesn't love a good excuse to take a sick day?) and American Opposition (because what's more effective at getting people to listen than a name that sounds like a bad 80s rock band?). They're asking supporters to limit their shopping, cancel subscriptions, and restrict their use of social media - because if you can't tweet about the injustice of it all, is it even worth protesting?
Meanwhile, the We Ain't Buying It campaign is taking a more targeted approach by boycotting Target, Home Depot, and Amazon. Because what's a protest without a few good boycotts? "We need to push back against this administration and the billionaire elites backing it," said organizer Hunter Dunn - which is code for "we're going to spend all weekend watching Netflix instead of working or buying stuff".
It's unclear how effective these campaigns will be, but one thing's for sure: if people actually follow through on their promise not to buy anything, it'll be a disaster. I mean, who knows what will happen when millions of people suddenly stop spending money? The economy might even...shudder...function properly.