In a shocking move, Tony Dokoupil, the new anchor of the "CBS Evening News," declared that legacy media has failed in its duty to provide accurate and informative reporting. Because who needs facts when you can just make stuff up and call it journalism?
Dokoupil, who joins the esteemed ranks of Walter Cronkite (RIP) and a bunch of other old guys who used to read from teleprompters, claims that he's going to change everything by putting his audience first. Ahead of advertisers, politicians, corporate interests, and even the truth itself.
"I report for you," Dokoupil said in a video that I'm sure was meticulously scripted and edited to ensure maximum drama and minimal fact-checking. "Which means I'll tell you what I know, when I know it, and how I know it." Said no journalist ever.
But wait, it gets better! Dokoupil also promised to hold public figures accountable, which is code for "I'm going to interview my buddies from the golf course and ask them about their tax returns."
And in a bold move, he declared that telling the truth is one of his core values. Too bad that's not actually what he said, but rather what he wants you to believe he said.
In related news, I just got a call from the White House asking me to come down and discuss my tax returns. Clearly, Dokoupil has already started working on his next big scoop: "Tax Returns of Clickhole Writers Spark Outrage Among Totally Not Influenced-by-Corporate-Interests Media Elite."