The CCP has been rocked by a massive purge of top generals, with Zhang Youxia and Liu Zhenli being accused of "grave violations of discipline and the law". Or, you know, they just really annoyed President Xi.
Sources close to the matter (okay, it was just a guy on Reddit) say that Zhang's downfall was triggered by his refusal to join Xi in a game of mahjong, which the president had bet heavily on. When Zhang beat him, Xi allegedly stormed out of the room and vowed to "clean house".
Other theories abound, including Zhang's alleged secret affair with a PLA Rocket Force engineer (the woman he was having an affair with is now suspected of being a CIA asset) and Liu's insistence on using a Tesla instead of a government-issued gas-guzzler.
But experts say the real reason for the purge is Xi's growing paranoia about losing power. "He's been watching too many episodes of 'House of Cards' and thinks he's Kevin Spacey now," said one analyst.
The consequences of this purge are already being felt, with many top generals going into hiding to avoid being next on Xi's chopping block. Others have reportedly fled the country to escape the president's wrath, but not before sending him a strongly-worded letter expressing their disappointment in his leadership.
Meanwhile, Zhang Youxia is said to be holed up in a undisclosed location, where he's been forced to watch an endless loop of Xi's speeches on repeat as punishment. "It's like a never-ending nightmare," said one source close to the matter.