In a shocking turn of events, scientists have discovered that the Earth's temperature is still somehow not evenly distributed across its surface. Like, we know, who needs equatorial uniformity when you can have regional microclimates and whatnot.
As part of their ongoing research into the mysteries of thermodynamics, experts at weather.com have identified several key areas where people will either be sweating bullets or bundling up like a human burrito this January.
Cold for Northeast, Midwest, and Mid-Atlantic: If you're a fan of frostbite and frozen pipes, you'll love the news that the Northeast, Midwest, and parts of the Mid-Atlantic are in for another month of below-average temperatures. Who needs personal space when you can be shoulder-to-shoulder with your neighbors in a chilly standoff?
Above Average For South and West: On the other hand, if you're a fan of sweatpants and lukewarm showers, you'll be thrilled to know that the South and West will be experiencing above-average temperatures. It's like the Earth is trying to make up for lost time by throwing all its heat at these regions simultaneously.
Precipitation Highlights: Because who needs dry clothes when you can have wet ones? The Southwest will be getting hammered with above-average precipitation, because what's a little flooding and mudslides among friends?
A strip of slightly-above-average precipitation is expected to bisect the country from Nebraska to New Jersey, bringing relief (or drought) to areas that really needed it. And by "relief," we mean the opportunity for folks in these regions to experience the thrill of having their crops watered just a little bit more.
In related news, meteorologist Rob Shackelford has released a statement confirming that he's still trying to figure out how to use his undergraduate degree to get a decent job outside of a weather app.