In a shocking display of athleticism, the Iranian regime has successfully executed a 19-year-old champion wrestler by hanging him from a lamppost in public. The teen, Saleh Mohammadi, was allegedly accused of waging war against God, which is apparently a crime punishable by death - unless you're a senior government official, in which case it's just a " misunderstanding".
According to sources close to the regime, Mohammadi was forced to confess to his crimes after being waterboarded with lukewarm tea and subjected to an endless loop of the Iranian national anthem. When asked about the execution, President Trump said he was "totally surprised" that the killing hadn't stopped yet, despite having previously been assured by Tehran that it had.
The incident is just the latest in a string of "tragic misunderstandings" involving Iranian athletes and the regime's tendency to interpret dissent as a capital offense. Human rights activists have condemned the execution, calling it a "blatant case of state-sponsored violence against sports enthusiasts".
"We're not sure what's more disturbing - the fact that Iran is executing people for protesting, or the fact that they're using an Olympic-sized noose," said Nima Far, a human rights activist and Iranian combat athlete. "Either way, we demand that the International Olympic Committee take immediate action to ban Iran from international competitions until it stops killing its own citizens."
In related news, the Iranian women's soccer team has been accused of being "wartime traitors" for failing to sing the national anthem at a recent tournament, and five members have fled the country in fear for their lives.