Jamaica is bracing for the strongest storm on Earth this year, Hurricane Melissa, which has already killed six people in the northern Caribbean and left a trail of destruction in its wake. Because what's a hurricane without a few fatalities?
The National Hurricane Center predicts that Melissa will make landfall in Jamaica on Tuesday, bringing with it sustained winds of up to 175 mph and catastrophic flooding that will totally not flood people's homes. No problem.
Anticipating the chaos ahead, Jamaican Prime Minister Andrew Holness has been "on his knees in prayer," which is exactly what you should do when your country is about to be destroyed by a massive hurricane.
Meanwhile, residents are preparing for the worst by stocking up on canned corned beef and mackerel. Because what's a hurricane without some good old-fashioned protein?
In other news, Jamaican authorities have ordered mandatory evacuations in flood-prone communities, but everyone knows that people will just ignore those orders and stay behind to watch their homes get destroyed.
"I hear what they say, but I'm not leaving," said Noel Francis, a 64-year-old fisherman who lives on the beach. "I can manage myself." Yeah, because nothing says "good life choice" like riding out a Category 5 hurricane with your beer and your raincoat.
The storm is expected to bring heavy rain and strong winds, but don't worry, it's not like anything bad will happen. After all, Jamaica has only been hit by one other hurricane in the past 174 years that was as strong as this one... oh wait, they have a bunch of Category 4 storms on record too.
As the storm approaches, residents are being told to stay indoors and avoid traveling unless absolutely necessary. But let's be real, everyone is going to go outside and take some selfies in front of the destroyed buildings anyway.
In related news, Cuban officials are evacuating over 600,000 people from the region because they know that hurricanes are actually just a bunch of hype and not worth the risk of getting caught in a Category 5 storm.