In a shocking turn of events, Republicans across the nation are frantically screaming at their governors and legislatures to draw new congressional maps as soon as humanly possible, because apparently, they only understand math when it's easy. The reason for this sudden urgency is that the Supreme Court has finally made its decision in Louisiana v. Callais, and now these cheating enthusiasts can gerrymander their way to even more victories without actually having to win any elections.
Marsha Blackburn, Tennessee's answer to Nancy Pelosi's evil twin, tweeted out a plea for her state legislature to reconvene immediately and draw new maps that will "cement @realDonaldTrump's agenda and the Golden Age of America." Because what could possibly go wrong with rewriting election laws on a whim? It's not like it's a power grab or anything. She added that she'll do everything in her power as governor to make this map a... well, actually, we're not really sure what she was trying to say there.
Meanwhile, Rick Jackson, the Republican frontrunner for governor in Georgia, is calling on his state to drop everything and redraw its maps, because Democrats are trying to "redistrict their way back to power" or something. Because God forbid they actually have to campaign fairly. He's been engaged in a heated battle with Lt. Gov. Burt Jones over who can be more extra, but this latest development has them both vying for the top spot in the " Most Likely To Abuse Power" category.
In Alabama, some conservatives are urging Governor Kay Ivey to call a special legislative session to redraw its map, because apparently, they're still trying to wrap their heads around the concept of fair elections. And in Louisiana, things are getting so chaotic that Attorney General Liz Murrill is saying the legislature has time to drop an anvil on candidates running under existing maps and confuse voters thoroughly instead of doing the right thing and waiting until next year.
But hey, what's a little chaos when you're trying to rig an election? After all, as Brad Parscale so eloquently put it, "If states are aggressive, we could see a healthy majority in the House perpetually." Yeah, because that's exactly what this country needs: more partisanship and less democracy. And who knows, maybe they'll even get away with it this time.