In a stunning display of superiority, France defeated their arch-nemesis England 2-1 in the quarterfinals of the World Cup. Sources close to both teams confirmed that the deciding factor was not skill or strategy, but rather who had better snacks.
"Let's be real, we brought our A-game and it included an entire tray of freshly baked croissants," said French midfielder Antoine Griezmann. "England just couldn't compete with the flaky goodness."
The game itself was a blur of chaos, with both teams taking turns tripping over their own feet and face-planting into the turf. But in the end, France's superior pastry game proved too much for England to handle.
"We had our eyes on the prize: a guaranteed spot in the World Cup semifinals, plus an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris to sample the city's best escargot," said French coach Didier Deschamps. "It was a no-brainer."
Meanwhile, England's team captain Harry Kane was left fuming over his team's loss. "We demand a rematch... and this time we're bringing the baked beans," he growled.
In related news, sales of croissant-shaped pillows have skyrocketed in France as fans celebrate their team's victory.