In a move that will surely shock the very few people who were holding their breath waiting for his return, Stephen Colbert made an unexpected comeback on Tuesday evening by guest-hosting another local access show, Only In Monroe. Because what's more exciting than watching the same tired monologue and awkward comedy bits in a slightly different setting? The studio was clearly abuzz with excitement as Colbert strolled out on stage, still rocking his "I'm a Late Night Host" tuxedo, and declared to the whopping 12-person audience that it had been an "excruciating 23 hours" without him on TV. We can only assume he spent those 23 hours crying in a corner, sobbing uncontrollably about how nobody was watching him.
Colbert then proceeded to phone his buddy Byron Allen, who's taking over the Late Show timeslot, and had a nice chat with him while holding up his iPhone for everyone to see. Because what's more convincing than being on a show that's clearly been on since 2007? The two friends chatted about how great it was to be working together again, and Allen even gave them some sage advice: "Hey Stephen, if you ever need someone to fill in for you, just give those lovely ladies from Only In Monroe a shout!" Because who wouldn't trust the word of a middle-aged man holding an iPhone with a built-in wallet case?
But the real highlight of the evening came when Colbert and his special guests – Jeff Daniels, Eminem, and Steve Buscemi – decided to get creative and start smashing up the old set. Because what's more entertaining than watching grown adults destroy property? With the enthusiastic blessing of their fire Marshall (aka Eminem), they threw some flimsy wooden panels into a dumpster and set it ablaze. We can only assume this was some sort of avant-garde performance art, because clearly nobody in attendance had anything better to do with their Tuesday evening.
As the dumpster fire raged on, Colbert declared that "a real dumpster fire is way better than an A.I. one." Because who needs artificial intelligence when you have a bunch of grown men setting things on fire? It's clear that Only In Monroe has already reached new heights of excellence under Colbert's guidance, and we can only imagine what the future holds for this esteemed program.