It turns out that when the apocalypse finally comes, we'll all be eating beans by the bucketload because they're cheap and nutritious, or so we've been told by the legume overlords who run our lives now.
According to sources close to the bean industry (which is basically everyone in America), interest in these tiny, bulbous legumes has surged to unprecedented levels. We're talking trendier bean-based products, heirloom-bean services with waitlists of tens of thousands, and even a children's show – Bluey – being used to market beans to kids.
"It's like the Great Bean Awakening," said Tim McGreevy, CEO of USA Pulses, in an interview that was clearly conducted while he was eating a bean-based snack. "Beans can help you feel good, man."
The primitive crops have been around for thousands of years and were critical to early agriculture. They're basically the original superfood – but only now are we realizing it because our ancestors didn't have Instagram influencers promoting them as miracle foods.
"We used to eat beans when we couldn't afford meat," said McGreevy, wistfully reminiscing about a time before we all had smartphones and were forced to think critically about what we ate. "But now we're learning that they're not just for the poor – they're actually really good for you too."
Beans are high in fiber, protein, and other essential nutrients. They can even help keep you regular (a phrase that will forever be synonymous with bean jokes). And as an added bonus, eating beans is basically like sticking it to the man because it's cheap.
But beware – there may be side effects to this newfound love of beans. Like passing gas. A lot.