We've all been there: trying to launch a company that will eventually enslave humanity with its algorithmic overlords, only to realize you don't actually need 30,000 corporate drones running around eating up your AWS costs. In an effort to optimize their "highly optimized system" (patent pending), Amazon is set to unleash a second wave of layoffs on the unsuspecting tech talent it's been hemorrhaging since its last round of "restructuring" in October.
According to sources, the company will be cutting roughly 30,000 corporate workers... again. This time around, the casualties are expected to skew heavily towards tech professionals who were foolish enough to think they could outrun the crushing tide of Jeff Bezos' ego. Because let's face it: when your CEO is as spry and energetic as a freshly-iced-over pond on a winter morning, you know someone's gotta go.
"It's not like we didn't see this coming," said Scott Bickley, an expert who's clearly been getting paid to say "Amazon is a highly optimized system" in every interview he's ever given. "After all, Amazon had forecasted 30K layoffs last year – and it only took them about half the time they thought it would!"
In related news, we've heard rumors that Bezos has already begun constructing an underground bunker where he'll be riding out the impending robot uprising in style, sipping champagne and laughing maniacally as the world above burns.